LOS ANGELES – In what some have called a contradictory move, Excelsior has given the armed guard a detention just days after hiring him. The guard, who was hired after many horrific nationwide attacks on high schools, was forced to clean up trash around campus before school on Wednesday. “I mean, I just don’t get it,” said the armed guard at press time, just hours after he received the punishment. When asked about the incident, Head of School Dr. Ryland explained, “Look, if you’re gonna have a gun on campus, just don’t let us see it. We hired this guy to be discrete and like, maybe save the day if anything bad ever happens. Our top priority is student safety, and we think that students will be less likely to bully one another if they know there’s a heater in the house.” It is not known yet whether or not the guard will be handed any further punishment, but even if he does, will he be able to shoot his way out of it?