LA–After a highly publicized and controversial push from the Parent’s Association, Excelsior Academy has finally done the right thing and eliminated the use of water torture from their Disciplinary Board meetings. Previously, when a student was accused of breaking the rules, the school would use what head of school Dr. Ryland describes as “enhanced interrogation” to extract information.
“I asked someone for answers on my math homework back in ninth grade. By accident I turned in the same answers and they knew I was cheating, so I was called into the Disciplinary Board. At first I denied it, I thought it was such a small case they would just forget about it. Little did I know, out of no where they started fucking waterboarding my ass,” said senior James Bradowsky.
Water torture has been the Disciplinary Board’s signature move since 1975, and greatest tool for when a case begins to go cold.
Its termination will have profound effects on both the morale of criminal students and their conviction rate. Although this change has been well received by the student body, the administration has been left dismayed. An irritated Dr. Ryland told the school newspaper ‘The Soarer’, which by the way is failing, that, “Time and time again the administration chops off our balls, yet still expects us to fuck like a bronco.”
Although the removal of water torture appeared to be an act of morality by the administration, it is clear that this is yet again a power play by the Parent’s Association. Reasoning aside, the students of Excelsior can sleep tight knowing that their tutors can write their essays, without getting water forced down their gullet.