Message to Graduating Seniors: Please Give Us Money Soon, Also Congrats!



LOS ANGELES- After a truly powerful commencement ceremony, full of average singing and a speech that we’ve heard three times already this year from the headmaster, the Excelsior Alumni Office has already sent out its first letter to the homes of the newly graduated class.  

At each of these 18-year-olds houses, there is a letter waiting in their mailboxes, asking for “a few extra dollars” to donate to the school that they graduated from less than 15 minutes ago.  

The Peacock got ahold of the original letter, and the professionalism is palpable.  

“Dear Esteemed Graduate,

This letter is to officially welcome you to the alumni association!  So, this is kind of awkward, but the school kinda… needs money right now.  It’s not as bad as it sounds, but we’re trying to build this…like…huge building thing, and right now it’s just a big pile of dirt.  Not to mention the misconduct settlements–Jesus Christ we’re in debt!

So all we ask is for a few hundred thousand dollars to bail our asses out, or you can sign up for our weekly donation plan, with just a thousand dollars a week until the settlements are reached.  It’s basically all up to you, but if you don’t donate, let’s just say it could be tough for you to get a job after college :)”


Dr. Ryland

Excelsior Academy

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