LA–The Center for Disease Control made headlines today, upgrading the popular game Fortnite to a grade A drug classification.
The game, which has reportedly racked in over a billion dollars of 12-year-old’s parent’s money, is “more addictive than meth” says a CDC spokesman.
The Peacock wanted to ask a meth addict for a comment, but we didn’t know any.
Nervous parents have reported that their addicted teens have been trying to replicate the game’s dangerous mechanics such as parachuting off of balconies and harvesting wood with a pickaxe.
A student at Excelsior Academy, eighth grader Caitlyn Courtino, who jumped off the roof of the gym breaking her arm in four different places, claimed “I shouldn’t have taken fall damage.”
As far as the game goes, middle schoolers cannot stop playing it. Reports of kids staying home to get “mad solo wins” instead of going to school have run rampant.
One such addict, eighth grader Mitchell Smith, who goes by the alias TerminatorGuy, played non-stop for twelve hours before his legs fell asleep. He had to stomp and do a weird jumping around thing in his living room for a while.
With the lengths that young kids went through just to get their hands on some Fortnite, the CDC “had to do something to protect the American youth.”
Excelsior academy has also called Fortnite “a massive waste of time” and “not at all like real life”, though they do acknowledge that building things is important, and also asked for a donation to their new construction project.