Armed Guard Given Detention for Possession of Firearm on Campus
LOS ANGELES – In what some have called a contradictory move, Excelsior has given the armed guard a detention just days after hiring him. The guard, who was hired after ...
Excelsior Brings Back Water Torture to Enforce Carpool Rules
LOS ANGELES – After removing water torture as an option for Honor Board punishment, Excelsior Academy has decided to bring the controversial measure back in order to enforce the new ...
School Punts, Creates Designated “Vaping” and “Non-Vaping” Bathrooms
LOS ANGELES–In an attempt to combat the highly publicized vaping epidemic, Excelsior Academy has decided to designate certain bathrooms specifically for JUULing. “This solution is a win-win,” said Principal Lazzaro. ...
Message to Graduating Seniors: Please Give Us Money Soon, Also Congrats!
LOS ANGELES- After a truly powerful commencement ceremony, full of average singing and a speech that we’ve heard three times already this year from the headmaster, the Excelsior Alumni Office ...
Study Finds School to Be, In Fact, Not Diverse At All
LOS ANGELES–A shocking study conducted by The Peacock has shown that, contrary to what Excelsior Academy wants the community to believe, the school is almost impossibly not diverse. In the ...
School Does the Right Thing, Eliminates Water Torture During Honor Board Meetings
LA–After a big push from the Parent’s Association, Excelsior Academy has finally done the right thing and eliminated the use of water torture from their Honor Board meetings. Previously, when ...
Massive Construction Project Really Just a Race with Rival School to Reach Center of the Earth
LA–It’s well known that even though we are only a year into this new construction project, students and teachers alike are very displeased with the new conditions that they are ...
Report: School Really Fucking Pissed this Website Exists
LOS ANGELES–In a recent investigation done by The Peacock, it was found that Excelsior Academy, the school about which this organization reports, is super fucking mad that this website exists. ...
