LOS ANGELES – After removing water torture as an option for Honor Board punishment, Excelsior Academy has decided to bring the controversial measure back in order to enforce the new carpool rules. With the construction of the new building underway, known to some as the race to the center of the earth, the top brass created new driving restrictions to compensate for lost parking spots, and they have been adamant in enforcing these new rules.
“We have made it clear that anyone who breaks the rules will be punished in some way,” Dr. Ryland said. “This was no one’s top choice, but I really just don’t see any other way to get our students to park in their designated spots other than systematically terrorizing them by dunking their heads underwater for long periods of time.”
Some students have claimed the new rules to be ridiculous and unfair, such as the one requiring student drivers to have a seven-person carpool and arrive to school at least three hours ahead of the opening bell. Unfortunately for students, this policy of “enhanced interrogation” could potentially be expanded to areas such as poor grades, missed classes, and critical speech aimed towards the school’s administration as soon as next semester.