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Softball Team Wins! Or Loses, No One Really Knows

Posted on September 24, 2018

LOS ANGELES–The school’s softball team’s recent end to their season brings up an important question: We have a softball team? An investigation conducted by the Peacock has revealed that there ...

 

School Punts, Creates Designated “Vaping” and “Non-Vaping” Bathrooms

Posted on September 24, 2018

LOS ANGELES–In an attempt to combat the highly publicized vaping epidemic, Excelsior Academy has decided to designate certain bathrooms specifically for JUULing. “This solution is a win-win,” said Principal Lazzaro. ...

 

Piece of Shit Kid Takes Middle Urinal

Posted on September 24, 2018

OP-ED by Ryan Spencer, 11th grade. LOS ANGELES–So today I’m minding my own business, just going about my usual school day, and I go into the bathroom. I notice all ...

 

Teacher Yells at Wrong Black Student

Posted on September 24, 2018

LOS ANGELES–Yet another racism scandal rocks Excelsior. Early Friday morning, a history teacher erupted at African-American student Craig Jackson for being repeatedly late to class. The only problem is that ...

 

CDC Upgrades ‘Fortnite’ to Grade A Drug Classification

Posted on September 24, 2018

LA–The Center for Disease Control made headlines today, upgrading the popular game Fortnite to a grade A drug classification. The game, which has reportedly racked in over a billion dollars of ...

 

Message to Graduating Seniors: Please Give Us Money Soon, Also Congrats!

Posted on September 24, 2018

LOS ANGELES- After a truly powerful commencement ceremony, full of average singing and a speech that we’ve heard three times already this year from the headmaster, the Excelsior Alumni Office ...

 

Study Finds School to Be, In Fact, Not Diverse At All

Posted on September 24, 2018

LOS ANGELES–A shocking study conducted by The Peacock has shown that, contrary to what Excelsior Academy wants the community to believe, the school is almost impossibly not diverse. In the ...

 

School Does the Right Thing, Eliminates Water Torture During Honor Board Meetings

Posted on September 24, 2018

LA–After a big push from the Parent’s Association, Excelsior Academy has finally done the right thing and eliminated the use of water torture from their Honor Board meetings. Previously, when ...

 

“Visionary” Student Prints Bong Out of 3D Printer

Posted on September 24, 2018

EXCELSIOR–James Bradowsky, known in the stoner community as “The Creator,” reportedly printed a fully functioning bong using the school’s 3D printer. “I got the inspiration by combining my two favorite ...

 

Student’s Senior Service Project is to Pick Up Trash at a Public School a Mile Away

Posted on September 24, 2018

LA–In a continuation of their community outreach program, students of Excelsior Academy traveled to a local public school to pick up trash today at around 1:30 pm. “I’m just happy ...

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How's about some more?
 
Armed Guard Given Detention for Possession of Firearm on Campus
Posted on December 16, 2018
 
Teen Court Sentences Eighth Student to Death This Year
Posted on December 16, 2018
 
Student Doesn’t Read Whole permission Slip Before Signing It, Shot By Armed Guard
Posted on December 16, 2018
 
Study Finds Majority of Students Do Better When Allowed to Cheat
Posted on December 16, 2018

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