Softball Team Wins! Or Loses, No One Really Knows
LOS ANGELES–The school’s softball team’s recent end to their season brings up an important question: We have a softball team? An investigation conducted by the Peacock has revealed that there ...
School Punts, Creates Designated “Vaping” and “Non-Vaping” Bathrooms
LOS ANGELES–In an attempt to combat the highly publicized vaping epidemic, Excelsior Academy has decided to designate certain bathrooms specifically for JUULing. “This solution is a win-win,” said Principal Lazzaro. ...
Piece of Shit Kid Takes Middle Urinal
OP-ED by Ryan Spencer, 11th grade. LOS ANGELES–So today I’m minding my own business, just going about my usual school day, and I go into the bathroom. I notice all ...
Teacher Yells at Wrong Black Student
LOS ANGELES–Yet another racism scandal rocks Excelsior. Early Friday morning, a history teacher erupted at African-American student Craig Jackson for being repeatedly late to class. The only problem is that ...
CDC Upgrades ‘Fortnite’ to Grade A Drug Classification
LA–The Center for Disease Control made headlines today, upgrading the popular game Fortnite to a grade A drug classification. The game, which has reportedly racked in over a billion dollars of ...
Message to Graduating Seniors: Please Give Us Money Soon, Also Congrats!
LOS ANGELES- After a truly powerful commencement ceremony, full of average singing and a speech that we’ve heard three times already this year from the headmaster, the Excelsior Alumni Office ...
Study Finds School to Be, In Fact, Not Diverse At All
LOS ANGELES–A shocking study conducted by The Peacock has shown that, contrary to what Excelsior Academy wants the community to believe, the school is almost impossibly not diverse. In the ...
School Does the Right Thing, Eliminates Water Torture During Honor Board Meetings
LA–After a big push from the Parent’s Association, Excelsior Academy has finally done the right thing and eliminated the use of water torture from their Honor Board meetings. Previously, when ...
“Visionary” Student Prints Bong Out of 3D Printer
EXCELSIOR–James Bradowsky, known in the stoner community as “The Creator,” reportedly printed a fully functioning bong using the school’s 3D printer. “I got the inspiration by combining my two favorite ...
Student’s Senior Service Project is to Pick Up Trash at a Public School a Mile Away
LA–In a continuation of their community outreach program, students of Excelsior Academy traveled to a local public school to pick up trash today at around 1:30 pm. “I’m just happy ...
